Emotions

[starcle]

When I was very young I trained myself not to cry, because crying made my throat hurt.

This was the start of a pattern. Well, maybe no the start, but the first thing I remember. Emotions are troublesome, often painful, and generally a nuisance.

I am just now beginning to wrestle with the ramifications of this decision.

Because trying to not feel anything too strongly is... while not actively destructive, probably not very healthy, either. I often feel as though I am not entirely present in the world, like I am observing but not a full part of it, like I am something other than human.

I'm trying, now, to let myself feel. To sit in the emotion and let it wash over me, pass through me, rather than trying to ignore or hide from it. It's hard. I've conditioned myself to flinch away from it like a hot pan.

We'll see how that goes.

Comments

[bewilderedbird]

That sounds way too familiar. I remember when I talked to my therapist about eight years ago about how I learned to turn off my emotions because of the bullying at school, but never knew how to turn them back on. And so my adult life was filled with a lot of emotional distance, fake emotions and depression as I observed reality through a veil. To this day I'm practicing to reverse that and it's hard, but it gets better every year and I'm sure you will be able to feel again, too. Just give it some time.

[starcle]

Thank you. Good luck on your journey as well.